Martini Time

Martini Time

January 10, 2013

I am Barbie's Martyr

So, I burned the freaking schmidt out of my hand yesterday. Wanna know how?? Well, you see, I saved a Barbie from imminent death in a fiery inferno.

I was cooking a nice dinner - for the first time in a VERY long time it didn't start with a frozen box - with the Toddler and Infant hanging out in the kitchen with me. The Toddler was mid-tantrum about not being allowed to eat the piece of chocolate she was clutching in her slimy little hand. I timidly opened the oven with the (incredibly stupid) presumption that my little Sociopath was far enough away to do any serious damage. The 450 degree oven with garlic bread toasting away was now open. The Infant started becoming irritated by the yelling of The Toddler, as was I, so I finally said to her, "If you can't be nice, walk away." To which she replied,

"FINE, NASTY MOMMY!!!!!"

And she chucked poor Barbie towards me and right into the open oven.

I gasped and started scrambling for a rescue device. I was trying hard to focus, as if this melting, charring plastic toy has a beating heart, amid the screams of The Toddler:

"MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! BARBIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S GONNA BURN UP!!!!!!!"

She is now running, rather shuffling, in her Cinderella high heels and prettiest princess dress, from room to room screaming:

"MOMMY SHE'S CRYING!!!!!! HELP HER MOMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!"

So I tried tongs.

I tried a pot holder.

I tried a towel.

Nothing could reach her frying hair.

I looked at the tear-stained face of my screaming kid. I mumbled obscenities under my breath. I quickly glanced towards the wine rack. And then I did it.

I held my breath and reached into the extremely hot oven to save poor Barbie.

Her little, plastic hand clung to me. Not because she wanted to, but because she began to melt to my skin.

And I hastily removed her from the crematory.

My Battle Scars

After giving Barbie a cool down and running water over my burned hand, I explained to The Toddler what had just happened, the dangers of playing near the oven, the blah blah blah Mommy stuff I'm supposed to do and then I poured a giant glass of wine and told her to leave the kitchen. Without hesitation, she walked away and said,

"Ok, Mommy. I'll just finish my chocolate over here then."



14 comments:

  1. You are a hero! Poor Mommy! And I'm guessing Barbie didn't fare so well either? Bottoms up with that wine and lather on that burn cream!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ironically, I am worse off than Barbie. It might be because all of the dolls my kid has become naked and headless immediately upon receipt. So that probably minimized the charring effect ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. And that is why Barbie is an a$$hole. Hope your hand heals quickly. You are one good momma. Ellen

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think I would of sacrificed my hand too to avoid the smell of a dead Barbie on the bottom of my oven! Burning plastic is the worst.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Looking back, that was more my objective than settling the kid. I couldn't imagine trying to clean that mess! ;)

      Delete
  5. Ha! What a trooper you are! Barbie is one lucky formed plastic lady.
    Did you give up and just let her have the chocolate?
    Thanks for sharing this. Needed a good story this morning!
    Katie~ http://dysfunctionsjunction.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I totally caved on the chocolate! It got her out of the kitchen long enough for me to lick my wounds lol

      Delete
  6. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry for poor Barbie. Well saved and I guess your toddler won't be near the oven again (well heres hoping anyway) Hope your hand heals quickly :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh my goodness. Are you all healed up yet? And have you been forgiven?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry for the late reply!! Yes, I healed nicely, thank you! My oven, however, still smells of melting plastic...

      Delete
  8. I hope laughing is acceptable here (not at you but with you). I had the visual. I could see you reaching into the oven to save poor, melting Barbie. Well done, well done. I hope your hand is better. Have there been anymore kitchen causalities since the Barbie-burning?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Haa!! Laughter is the best medicine, after all! Laugh on, sister! My hand is better, thank you! The Toddler has remained far from the oven since the incident but I can still smell the burning plastic occassionally!

    ReplyDelete

Autism Speaks Light It Up Blue